Monday, October 26, 2009

The fist pump

I've been bothered by this for awhile and tried to think it out in my head before I shared it. Have you ever watched an NFL game or College football game and witness some fool celebrating himself and the play that he just made when it was just his job? For example, the guy that runs down the field on kickoff coverage and makes a tackle pops to his feat and starts thumping his chest, waving to the crowd. I always ask myself, isn't that your job? Aren't you on the kickoff coverage team for that exact reason, to make a tackle? This made me start to think, what if normal people in everyday jobs reacted this way?

What if I were teaching today and when I passed out the correct number of tests to my students I threw the remaining ones in the air and started spiking dry erase markers saying "You see me? see me pass those mothers out???

What if my brother, who works for a church, had someone laugh at one of his on stage jokes and Brad pumped his chest and yelling "J.C. ain't got nothin on me"

What if my buddy Martin just finished a showing of a real estate home and on their way out he slapped the lady on the butt and said "Huh, how 'bout that kitchen I showed you??" And started to flick the lights on and off whooping and hollering....

What if my Uncle Steve the lawyer closed a divorce and stood up at the table throwing his personalized pens across the room and asking everyone to call him "Relationship Terminator" and goes around doing bad Arnold impressions.

It seems ridiculous to think that any of these would happen, but when a guy knocks down a deep pass what gives him the go ahead to start bouncing up and down, nodding his head like he just ran back a pick 6, when in fact he did the simple task that is being asked of him.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Power of a Song

You know the power of a song? It's when you hear a song and instantly you're transported to that place. Now I'm not talking about hearing a song and saying "oh I remember when" no, no, no. I mean when you hear a song and it's like you're physically taken to that memory like your own virtual reality smelling salts. I love flipping through the radio and listening to songs to see if anything happens. Let me give you an example. If Rage Against the Machine "Bulls on Parade" comes on, I can remember right away my brother playing high school football because they always walked out of the locker room to that song. If I hear Willie Nelson "Crazy" I think of my cousin Joe's knockout impression of him. But neither of those songs transport me. I think there is a fine line between a memory and what I'll call a back to the future moment.

If I hear the song "Dreams" by Van Halen I have a back to the future moment. I can instantly feel like I am sitting in the locker room after my final football game in high school. That song was blaring in the background, guys leaving and turning in their jersey's and then there is me. I sat there refusing to take my jersey off. My brother brought my cousin Andrew down to the locker room and we hugged it out like guys do. I can remember the smell, the sticky feeling my eye black left on my face, the used athletic tape thrown across the floor and that awkward pit in your stomach of not sure what happens next. The next day, front page paper had a picture of me crying with the title, "Broken Dreams" a crafty play on words from a second rate hack journalist for the AT. I heard this song today on my way home and my 20 minute drive turned into me pulling into my driveway wondering when I made that left off of 23. I know this happens to other people, so if you are the one person that reads this blog, what is a back to the future song for you? Where do you go in your mind when you hear it?

Saturday, October 17, 2009


The other night I woke up with an image in my head. I love breakfast, more than any other meal. My favorite is a good breakfast sandwich, however, the vision that came to my head was a breakfast dog. I sat awake and created the BERT DOG. Follow the following steps to have a life changing breakfast experience. The images are in the post below.


Friday, October 16, 2009

Play on Words....

So on my morning commute to work I listen to a local talk show, two guys that seem as normal as can be. They have catchy segments they do but one I have started to enjoy is every monday morning they have a guy on that runs the website . This is a site that takes words mashes em together to get a different meaning. You can submit your own, so I thought I would share a few of my favorites to maybe inspire you to submit your own.

- Joke Insurance, when you have a mutual understanding with your buddies that if they tell a joke in public, no matter it's level of funniness you are going to laugh for him.

-Cookie Duster, a full mustache that could potentially be used as a duster if you were to eat a cookie.

-Food Douche, a person that believes they know the best place to get different foods. "thats good, but you should go to Quizno's for bourbon chicken"

-Making Clay, to take a large dump.

-Email Courier, a person that immediately following the sending of an email, goes to that person to confirm that he did receive the email.

-Birther, A conspiracy theorist who believes that Barack Obama is ineligible for the Presidency of the United States, based on any number of claims related to his place of birth, birth certificate, favorite birthday, or whether or not he has heard the song Africa by Toto.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

College Good. College Bad.

What I love the most about college football is also it's achilles heel. I will tune into any college football game and be interested for a multitude of reasons but the biggest reason is because it means so much to both teams. Every game is like fighting for another breath. This provides "us" the viewers, with fantastic television and the right to cheer like idiots for a simple first down. But, this is also where college football loses fans, because if you were hoping for a title shot you better have the following:
1. Be a part of a major conference, the SEC, PAC 10, Big TEN, Big 12.
2. Be undefeated or lose really really early in the season.
3. Be in the top 25 to start the year.

These three determine who goes and who doesn't. The worst part about college football is if your team loses, your season is pretty much over. Without a playoff like the NFL and March Madness, the college football season hooks you and loses you with a score on the scoreboard. It also saddens me to say that fans like my brother will end up pissed at the college football world, because an undefeated Cincy Bearcat team will not end up playing in the National Title game as long as there is a one loss Alabama, Texas, USC, OSU, LSU, etc... If it comes down to it, Cincy will end up 15-0 and looking on the outside just like UTAH a few years ago. Without a playoff, fans will forever be disgruntled about their team either making it or not making it. I am not sure what the solution is, but I'll continue to cheer for my bucks because they lost early, they're in a big conference, and they were in the top 25 to start. Sorry bearcats.

Thursday, October 8, 2009


Glee. I'm not against the show, but I'm also not a fan yet. I see the potential the show has, riding the coat tails of the successful "high school musical" movies it would sing and dance its way right into the living room of every teen. I can't say I blame kids if they enjoy it, after all I grew up loving Saved By The Bell. I first wanted to like the show because I thought it was going to be a good show about athletes crossing over the line using jazz hands and the story would be one that was welcoming. Then I watched. I found out that it wasn't going for that feel at all but rather just going for the quick hook with the football star singing and the cheerleaders walking around in their uniforms 5 days a week, I mean is there a game everyday these pom pom's are bouncing for? Even harder to swallow were the terrible excuse for a principal character and cheerleading coach. Here is a lady that is clearly a lesbian dressed head to toe in adidas warm up suits that hates anything prissy and girly. Hello? Name one high school that doesn't have a cheer coach that loves miley cyrus more than her girls. But even with all that I still was ok with the show because at the end of the day they did entertain. Until last night.

If you don't watch, you're smarter than me, but the show was based around the kids being given an over the counter drug that would boost their energy. They sang and danced like superstars and boy did they love it. At the end they realized it was wrong but nothing ever came out of it. The worse part wasn't last night, because I didn't think twice about it until I had three students at separate times come tell me they wanted to take what the students were taking on Glee. Whether these were stupid kids or not is irrelevant because if they were thinking it, so were others. So now my beef with Glee isn't about their lack of storyline, it is the storyline.