Tuesday, April 27, 2010


It's testing week at school. This only brings back memories of the skits we used to perform when I taught at D-Hayes. Each department was in charge of getting our kids pumped up for the upcoming test. Social Studies clearly had the edge each year, although my Math teacher buddy Greenie did a helluva Matt Foley impression. Not to mention Scotty Mo and his ridiculous Ron Bergundy impression. You will see Matt Foley implemented into our skit. Enjoy a quick recap of the events. The premise is I am the class of that sophomore year, fighting each of the tests that are required.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Boiling Point

Remember a time when something ticked you off so much to the point that you felt that tingle come up your neck, you kinda hold your breath and your brain puts together two options of a response.....one you contain yourself and swallow that burning tingle and not regret saying or doing something awful.....or.....your brain lets you cut lose. That is the boiling point. When you reach the boiling point in your life, what you do with it often defines you. I have a boiling point moment that I spent the last 8 years regretting, but not for the reason you might think.

This picture is of the Univ. Findlay practice field, where I spent one long season. I want you to focus on the right portion of the picture before you read the rest of this. You might see a white line, this represents the field goal post of the east endzone, and to the right, you will see a creek. Now the boiling point.

Every day we spent a 10 minute period throwing fade routes into the corner of that endzone. You might be thinking, "what's the big deal?" The big deal Magellan, is that an overthrown fade route ends up racing down the creek like Huck Finn minus his raft. I can't tell you how many times a ball might bounce off of a finger or I threw a crap ball into that steep filth ridden creek. When this happened, did we send our Grad Assistants in to get it? Of course not. We sent the young freshman QB, even if it wasn't his fault. That happened to be me. This isn't the boiling point.

Our starting QB got knocked out, literally, one game. So that meant the football fishing freshman QB, yours truly, was now the starter. Tuesdays we started practice with offensive meetings and hurry up offense. The best part, I had class tuesday afternoons that caused me to always miss that meeting. So of course the day I miss they happen to put in a new play. No one tells me. I show up in time for Hurry Up drills, like always, but this time I'm the starter. I hop in the huddle, start moving us down the field, and wouldn't you know it, they call the new play. I stumble through it in my head thinking I know enough about football, I can't figure this out and they'll never know the difference. Until I couldn't.

I had to ask for help. Insert Boiling Point. All hell broke loose. The head coach, which I will refer to as, the anti-christ, started going ballistic. Then his little henchmen the O-line coach came in and caused that burning tingle of anger on steriod feeling. His exact words were:
"Wise, why don't you just throw the ball in the creek, that's all you know how to do anyways"

Now come the two options in my brain. On one hand I thought about ripping my helmet off, Chucking that football into the creek and saying "How was that you son of #%#$#" Walking off the field with my middle finger in the air. Or

option 2. Nod, ask the backup how to run the play, and execute it.

For eight years I have regretted the fact that I did option 2. Man I wish I would have done option 1. I thought that way until recently I started reading the blogs from two of my good friends Mike and Lides. I realized the past that the boiling points I dealt with, were ice caps compared to theirs. I am almost embarrassed to think that I had it so bad, playing Div. 2 football. What a joke. You wanna see guys that had it rough but came through every boiling point, look no further.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Ode to Ben

Oh Ye Big Ben so young at a position so new,
playing behind the coaches son for the Findlay Gold and Blue.
You had your glory and rose to fame,
Only to attend a small school like Miami, sorta lame?
Impressive you were throughout your college career,
luckily you were drafted by the steelers so for you I did not have to cheer.
A quick rise to fame with the steeler gold and black,
apparently you felt this gave you a free pass to mack.
Slow on the field with a nickname of "Big",
you got in a wreck like an 18 wheel rig.
Your head skid across the pavement like the tip of a match,
Honestly steeler nation? you're stuck with Charlie Batch?
Looks like his problems are far behind him,
Oh wait, was that rape victim out west named Kim?
Oh how thee mountain of greaseball you've let us down,
such an embarrassment, the nike mural in your home town.
We thought one and done was your rape motto,
never did we expect tabloids would hit the lotto.
Soon you'll be forgotten as the NFL MVP,
next time you think about it, say no to your wee wee.

Sunday, April 11, 2010


You've heard of the "signing bonus"......the "playing time bonus"........the "championship bonus"......let me introduce you to the "Fan Bonus". Too often a player or coach are compensated with a bonus for their achievements. Jim Tressel will earn thousands of more dollars for going to a BCS game because the BCS game just made OSU thousands of more dollars. The players will be compensated with gift bags and soon to be large NFL signing bonuses. What do the fans get? What does the average Joe get that spends a weeks pay check to come and scream his face painted beer stenched mouth off for 48 minutes, 9 innings, or 3 periods? You know what we get? We get a price increase on our tickets, a price increase on those stadium beers, and those fun foam fingers....yup, price increase. What kind of freaking bonus is that? How many times do you hear the term "Home Field Advantage" ? You could make a drinking game out of it.

How do they get the home field advantage? wait for it......."The FANS"

So I ask you billionaire revenue making fools of an owner, where is my bonus?

I propose the fan bonus. Ownership of major sporting events such as football, baseball, basketball, and hockey.....sorry Soccer, you're just a leftover from poor negotiations by our founding fathers and King George, anyways....owners will write up incentive packages for fans, or fan goals if you will. See examples below:
1. Fans sell out every home game that is available.
2. 30% or more of the fan population attending the game are painted in some sort.
3. 100% of the fans are wearing the colors of either the home team or visitors.
4. During pivotal points in the game (which will be specified by the jumbo screen) fans are out of their seats screaming like the Ewoks in return of the jedi after the Death Star is blown up (again).

You see my point. If a certain amount of these "Fan Goals" are met, then ownership will pay us the fan, our "Fan Bonus". What is the fan bonus? It's simple. Each year the goals are met ownership will lower ticket prices by the amount they deem fair. It could be .01 cent, I don't care. Food prices will not be raised. Merchandise prices will not be raised. Parking prices will not be raised. You know what will be raised? The Fan Experience, the atmosphere, and the number of kids attending their "first" ball game because daddy won't have to sell his truck to pay for it.

It's win-win. If these goals are set out there for the average fan, you bet they will fight like hell to achieve them. It would be the first time a fan could have his own fantasy league. Some guys will sit around and draft the Cleveland Cavs fans and start them everytime Lebron is playing. The guy that is stuck with the Detroit pistons fans is pissed.

Espn would follow this like the rest of the useless statistical crap they flash up on their sweet touch screen boards. Mel's big board would certainly have the Buckeye fans on the top of his list, until Pryor throws an interception and the fickle fans come out calling for Tressel's head.... then the achievement for not booing the 15th punt in one game would not be met.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

anything you want....

If I had a midget walk into my room tonight with a little glass shaped box that had a glowing question mark in it, and proceeded to ask me the question in a very high pitched voice "If you could do anything in this world, what would you do? say it and it will be so" I would scoop that wee lil guy up and yell at the top my lungs......"Be a late night talk show host"


I'm in Dave Letterman's striped suit, making funny motions that would make the people laugh. I would talk to Paul and we would laugh like old friends.

Thats it. Right there. If I was granted a career wish that is what I would do. I've wanted to do this since college when I would stay up late watching letterman. I kept thinking, that is something I would be able to wake up every morning and be really excited about.

A couple years ago I had the idea to find a way to make this come true.....somewhat. I came up with the idea of creating my own talk show that I could use for my classes. I would write, film, and produce my own shows and use them in class as a teaching tool. My idea was to have different shows represent different chapters. So lets say I'm doing a chapter on the assassination of JFK. I would walk out and make some lame time period reference jokes like.....

"man it's hot today......isn't it folks? It's so hot JFK decided against the use of the air conditioning for the natural breeze of Texas"

ok maybe that was bad. But you get my point. In the monologue I would teach them facts. Then I would have a top ten list. Like the Top Ten Reasons Why Dallas Won't Host a Presidential Motorcade Anytime Soon.

The rest of the show would be interviews with people. I could interview LBJ. Either thru real archived footage, or thru a picture and put the fake lips in for his real ones like Conan does. I could have a person dress up as Chief Justice Earl Warren, who the "Warren Commission" was named after that investigated the assassination. Nobody really knows what he looks like off hand so i could dress up anyone.

I would have commercials interrupt us that were time period relevant, like fashion, new inventions of the time, etc..... Likewise the musical guest would be music from that time.

I think this is something I could wake up and be really excited about doing. The issue(s) here:
1. Time- when would I have the time to do all this?
2. The Set- where would I have a place like this to film and make it actually look decent.
3. Bust or Great?- Could I do it. I mean could I actually be witty enough to write worthwhile shows and execute the acting.
4. Learn- Would my kids actually learn from it? Would it accomplish the goal I wanted.

If the answer is yes to all of those. Maybe I could sell the idea, retire, and watch Letterman reruns.