McKinley Marie

Our daughter....you know how weird it is to say that exact phrase? Parent... you know how much weirder that title is? I swear I stop and look at her and wonder if I am in fact, responsible for her. Like it's a leased car, and for some reason I'm not the official owner. I never thought of parenting the way it actually is. That sounds pretty stupid I realize, but the thought I had as a 20 year old kid about parenting was different. I guess I thought when I became a parent I would be and feel old. I thought the mindset that I would be in, would be of drinking coffee and looking over at my young child with a smile as I read the ticker about the stock I just invested in, while listening to mellow jazz. My brother might now take offense to that last statement, or my slightly hair challenged short friend, you know who you are matt.

Now that she's 9 months, closing in on 10, I can't believe how much fun she is. I can't believe how much I truly enjoy being a parent. The title parent typically came with the tag of burdensome responsibility when I was that 20 something old. I pictured it as the classic conversations Bill Cosby had with his kids. I never thought of the 9 month old parent. I didn't grow up around babies, I never had any real interaction with anyone that couldn't speak in audible words or walk farther than a half step before crashing to the ground. Cliff Huxtable always dealt with the antics of his pre-teen or teenagers. That was the view I had always had of parenting. I was thrust into this stage of parenting that made zero sense to me. Babies were foreign to me, the Mck was the first in our family, I had nothing to go off of. I had to straight up fake it for the first few months, buying myself time by acting like I was cool, calm, and collective. Now that she's older I am in no way a seasoned vet but I have figured one thing out, it's pretty freaking cool. Everything is exciting. I have more videos of the smallest things she does than Oprah does favorite things. McKinley is now pulling herself up, one move away from taking off crawling, and talking like a jabber monster (that's her mother's trait). I can't wait to see what she will do next. I would consider her picking her nose a rembrandt type talent that I certainly would brag about.

I started off staring at her wondering what do I do now? I now stare at her wondering what can I do for her now? Getting her to smile at me is the single greatest part of my day....I don't care if I have to smack my head against the wall, if she smiles I'll take the extra aspirin. I used to think I always wanted a boy only, but I can't believe how unbelievably happy I am to have a girl. It's an entirely new experience that is only going to get messier, and I love it. I have the most perfect daughter and the perfect mother for her is my terrific wife.

Keep the aspirin on hold, because these two will surely like to shop me into depths of debt like I've never seen.

The vision

For over 15 years I've had the same reoccurring vision. If there is a time when I am sitting inattentively and my mind has the ability to wonder, I wonder my way right into the same mental vision. I'm not exaggerating, I have the exact same vision. The purpose of sharing this now is because I'm looking for clarity. So offer your insight, I have an idea of what it might mean, but I would love for all you professional psych's to break me down.

It always starts off the same. I start to drift off mentally and I'm taken away to a clear as day picture of my face, my eyes to be exact. It's dark, but you can see my eyes fixed on something in the distant, bright and large. Like a zoom in a camera I begin to zoom out and coming into focus is my face, head, shoulders, and soon the whole body. I'm wearing a full set of football pads, helmet, and everything. My eyes still fixed on something. I can't make out colors of the uniform or anything because it's dark. Next thing I know like a camera being spun around 180 degrees, I am now behind myself and see that I am looking at a fuzzy full field of defenders, all staring at me. I start barking out words that I can't make out, but they seem very important. I go back and forth, head swiveling and begin to get under center. This is where it get's weird. Everytime I start to drop back with the ball my view shifts as if I'm looking thru my own eyes, scanning back and forth...but I never throw it. I never find anyone or even attempt to throw it. The vision ends right there.

This vision has been happening like I said since I was right around 14 years old. I always thought it meant I would have that exact moment in a game when I was playing, but I never did. Then in college I thought this might be the moment when I would take a hit and literally die on the field, because "they hit kinda hard in college". That never happened, or I cheated it by only playing one year. Now I don't even coach football and am unsure why this vision is still a part of my life. It's not a dream, I am always awake, and I can always tell myself what the next part of the vision will be, but I can't get passed that dropback, it always ends.

Ok, psychoanalyze that people.